Who does Donny Osmond think he is? He has lost his mind. If you asked people on the street if they have heard of Donny Osmond, I bet 40% would have no idea. 10 years ago, that was probably closer to 20%, and even less prior to that. Guess what? he knows that, too. That's why he is returning to Dancing With the Stars (truly the definition of "Don't crap where you eat.") as a judge.
He proved himself to be a self righteous, self-involved piece of dung.
When not giving "dance advice"-- which was completely misguided considering he couldn't dance when he won the show-- he spent the time attempting to promote his "career." I don't deny he once had a career, but its a wreck now.
Does he know that the only reason he won the show was the overwhelming votes from the Mormon faith? He didn't actually dance the best, he prayed the best! Him giving dance advice would be like a contestant from "America's Worst Chef" opening a restaurant. Its insane!
If I was one of the "stars" on that show, I would have loved to tell him to shove his advice up his "Puppy Love" ass. You freakish, deluded mess. Shut the eff up! Go sleep with your sister.
Having Donny on the show, furthermore on Disney Music night, shows how desperate this show has become. Let's face it, even I laughed at that last sentence. DWTS= Desperate, but don't rub it in my face. What could possibly be next? I shudder to think. Get this show off the air or stay true to what made it successful. C list stars being judged on their moderate abilities and inspiring us with their phoenix from the ashes stories.
I'm not going to ask again, Tom Bergeron. make this happen.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Ok, fine, GLORIA stays on the list.
I wasn't on board immediately with GLORIA being one of the greatest jams of all time, but after careful investigation of this youtube video, I am in. This video shows the song in a great light. Laura Branigan looks amazing, the dancers are wickedly terrible and the disco ball is whirring off its hinges. The video also contains: Madame, the puppet (amazing, subversive comedy set), the top 40 of 1982 and a Ronald Reagan impersonator singing Respect by Aretha Franklin. As Gene Kelly once sang "Who could ask for anything more?"
A few other highlights? The exchange between Madame and the gamine Rex Smith at the11:25 mark. Or my "favorite (not favorite)" dance right at the end at the 14:10 mark.
People... what happened to shows like Solid Gold? Now we have Dancing with the Stars, which doesn't reach the train wreck quality that SG brought us. I can remember sitting in our rumpus room, with sponge painted orange walls waiting for that show to come on. The anticipation, the joy, the glee. DWTS rarely brings that "car accident" quality-- except when Lando Calrissian comes up with requisite Ewoks, Troopers and Leia.
I digress. The point is, if GLORIA is your thing, I'm on board.
A few other highlights? The exchange between Madame and the gamine Rex Smith at the11:25 mark. Or my "favorite (not favorite)" dance right at the end at the 14:10 mark.
People... what happened to shows like Solid Gold? Now we have Dancing with the Stars, which doesn't reach the train wreck quality that SG brought us. I can remember sitting in our rumpus room, with sponge painted orange walls waiting for that show to come on. The anticipation, the joy, the glee. DWTS rarely brings that "car accident" quality-- except when Lando Calrissian comes up with requisite Ewoks, Troopers and Leia.
I digress. The point is, if GLORIA is your thing, I'm on board.
A-ha-ha, a-ha-ha, Gloria, how's it gonna go down?
Will you meet him on the main line, or will you catch him on the rebound?
Will you marry for the money, take a lover in the afternoon?
Feel your innocence slipping away, don't believe it's comin' back soon
Will you meet him on the main line, or will you catch him on the rebound?
Will you marry for the money, take a lover in the afternoon?
Feel your innocence slipping away, don't believe it's comin' back soon
Friday, April 4, 2014
In Defense of Gloria
I cannot, nay WILL NOT, tolerate any defaming of the song Gloria. My love for this song sprang forth suddenly. But I accepted it and I now realize that it is, in fact, my number one jam of all time. Here's what happened:
A couple of years ago, I found myself at Oil Can Harry's (a very swanky (not swanky) gay dance club in the San Fernando Valley). I was very busy dancing my pants off and desperately trying to keep up with a woman who identified herself as LA's premier waacking teacher. She even gave me her waacking business card. You can see a video of Jody Watley waacking it up here. If you ask me, this waacking stranger looked like she was experiencing a pretty serious medical event. Jody looks much cooler. Perhaps the waacker at Oil Can Harry's wasn't the expert she claimed to be.
Aaaaaaanyway. There I am, minding my groovy business when all of a sudden, that cyclone of an intro pierces the sweaty dance floor and I realize: I LOVE THIS SONG. It really lends itself to jumping up and down and spinning until you fall over. Which I did with reckless abandon. I danced like no one was watching! I worked that right out. I sang at the top of my lungs, which thankfully no one could hear. When it was over, I had to take a moment (and a jello shot) to calm down.
Come to find out, a friend was video taping the whole incident. I explained to her that if she showed it to anyone, our friendship would be immediately and permanently over. Luckily she likes me more than the thought of instant internet stardom (I' m not exaggerating--this video is the stuff that Maru and the like are made of.) She can't find the tape anymore (thank you, Baby Jesus), but please trust me when I tell you that it was truly bizarre.
I don't care if you disagree. I say Gloria will make all your dreams come true.
A couple of years ago, I found myself at Oil Can Harry's (a very swanky (not swanky) gay dance club in the San Fernando Valley). I was very busy dancing my pants off and desperately trying to keep up with a woman who identified herself as LA's premier waacking teacher. She even gave me her waacking business card. You can see a video of Jody Watley waacking it up here. If you ask me, this waacking stranger looked like she was experiencing a pretty serious medical event. Jody looks much cooler. Perhaps the waacker at Oil Can Harry's wasn't the expert she claimed to be.
Aaaaaaanyway. There I am, minding my groovy business when all of a sudden, that cyclone of an intro pierces the sweaty dance floor and I realize: I LOVE THIS SONG. It really lends itself to jumping up and down and spinning until you fall over. Which I did with reckless abandon. I danced like no one was watching! I worked that right out. I sang at the top of my lungs, which thankfully no one could hear. When it was over, I had to take a moment (and a jello shot) to calm down.
Come to find out, a friend was video taping the whole incident. I explained to her that if she showed it to anyone, our friendship would be immediately and permanently over. Luckily she likes me more than the thought of instant internet stardom (I' m not exaggerating--this video is the stuff that Maru and the like are made of.) She can't find the tape anymore (thank you, Baby Jesus), but please trust me when I tell you that it was truly bizarre.
I don't care if you disagree. I say Gloria will make all your dreams come true.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Top Ten Jams? Hmmmmmmmmmm....
Now I am the first to admit I have tastes that are off the beaten path, but I cannot pass up an opportunity to comment on someone else's opinion. I've read Kelly's list and I support many of the songs listed.
For example, I love Let's Have a Kiki, PYT and September. These are classics, without argument.
On the other hand, I am not so sure about Shoop (honestly, I'm more of a "None o' Yo' Bid'ness" guy personally).
Also, Robyn, hmmmmmmm? I like her, but I feel I'll forget about her in a week.
I can't support R. Kelly, even though I can tolerate that song. His "Trapped in the Closet" Vanity Project was too much for me. If I want to watch someone masturbate, I'll go to YouPorn. Am I right?
Valerie? I am much more of a Rehab gal. (In every sense of the term)
The Boy is Mine.... I have to reserve judgement. Its a great song, I'll give you that. Just not sure its list worthy.
Gloria is too high on the list. #1? Really? #1? You crazy!
Missing from this list are any traces of Madonna (The Queen of Pop), Chicago (Hometown!), and Culture Club. I'll admit that Culture Club is a deep cut and probably not everyone's cup of tea. That's a personal weirdness and I own that. How about Queen? I mean, really, Queen? How can you not have Somebody to Love on this list? Papa Don't Preach? Hard Habit to Break (the extended version of course- love those horns.)
My biggest argument? Obviously, obviously "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" is the greatest jam of all time. Unequivocally. This is not a point to be argued. This is a fact. The sky is blue, the grass is green and Whitney has the greatest song of all time. Sorry Mozart, sorry Sinatra, sorry Bruce Springstein. Furthermore... Attention music world: Don't mess with "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" trying to remix it. Its perfect. Keep your hands off. Just grab your big fluffy bow and your rainbow eye shadow, sit back and enjoy!
This is of course just my opinion, but it's right.
For example, I love Let's Have a Kiki, PYT and September. These are classics, without argument.
On the other hand, I am not so sure about Shoop (honestly, I'm more of a "None o' Yo' Bid'ness" guy personally).
Also, Robyn, hmmmmmmm? I like her, but I feel I'll forget about her in a week.
I can't support R. Kelly, even though I can tolerate that song. His "Trapped in the Closet" Vanity Project was too much for me. If I want to watch someone masturbate, I'll go to YouPorn. Am I right?
Valerie? I am much more of a Rehab gal. (In every sense of the term)
The Boy is Mine.... I have to reserve judgement. Its a great song, I'll give you that. Just not sure its list worthy.
Gloria is too high on the list. #1? Really? #1? You crazy!
Missing from this list are any traces of Madonna (The Queen of Pop), Chicago (Hometown!), and Culture Club. I'll admit that Culture Club is a deep cut and probably not everyone's cup of tea. That's a personal weirdness and I own that. How about Queen? I mean, really, Queen? How can you not have Somebody to Love on this list? Papa Don't Preach? Hard Habit to Break (the extended version of course- love those horns.)
My biggest argument? Obviously, obviously "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" is the greatest jam of all time. Unequivocally. This is not a point to be argued. This is a fact. The sky is blue, the grass is green and Whitney has the greatest song of all time. Sorry Mozart, sorry Sinatra, sorry Bruce Springstein. Furthermore... Attention music world: Don't mess with "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" trying to remix it. Its perfect. Keep your hands off. Just grab your big fluffy bow and your rainbow eye shadow, sit back and enjoy!
This is of course just my opinion, but it's right.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Top Ten Jams of All Time
10. Let's Have a Kiki-Scissor Sisters
9. I Wanna Dance With Somebody-Whitney Houston
8. Dancing On My Own-Robyn
7. Valerie-Amy Winehouse
6. Shoop-Salt N Pepa
5. The Boy Is Mine-Brandy and Monica
4. September-Earth, Wind and Fire
3. PYT-Michael Jackson
2. Ignition (Remix)-R. Kelly
1. Gloria-Laura Branigan
Slow Jam Honorable Mention: I Want It That Way-Backstreet Boys
Throwback Slow Jam Honorable Mention: Somewhere In The Night-Barry Manilow
9. I Wanna Dance With Somebody-Whitney Houston
8. Dancing On My Own-Robyn
7. Valerie-Amy Winehouse
6. Shoop-Salt N Pepa
5. The Boy Is Mine-Brandy and Monica
4. September-Earth, Wind and Fire
3. PYT-Michael Jackson
2. Ignition (Remix)-R. Kelly
1. Gloria-Laura Branigan
Slow Jam Honorable Mention: I Want It That Way-Backstreet Boys
Throwback Slow Jam Honorable Mention: Somewhere In The Night-Barry Manilow
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